One of my followers sent me a DM asking “will the right partner really come along? Or is it about getting to the point where I don’t need him?”. This is a question many people ask themselves during those moments of self reflection or loneliness. These moments seem more frequent at the beginning of a new year, especially after seeing your friends one by one, disappearing into marriages and as we get a little older each year. 

I have always been a big fan of analogies between life and nature. Often within nature, we can see potential guides of how we can improve own life. In this case, I looked to the life of a Butterfly. 

From caterpillar to butterfly

Think of the transformation a caterpillar goes through to become a butterfly. Most of the time we get distracted by the beauty of the butterfly; just as we do in our society. When in fact it is the ability to fly that changes the caterpillar’s life the most. 

The butterfly’s ability to find a mate is not only down to its change in appearance, but by spending time alone, allowing itself the solitude and self reflection to become the best version of itself. This time, subsequently allows it to grow and use its new found wings to travel in new circles and find the right mate for the version of itself. 

I think most people would benefit from following this example. Most people would benefit from finding more about themselves. By taking the time to find out their likes and dislikes and then actively move in those circles, a person can eventually find a like-minded person and potential life partner. 

How many people sign up to Tinder and various dating apps, without knowing what they are looking for or even what their likes and dislikes are? Too many.

If we go back to my caterpillar analogy. We can imagine that even without wings a caterpillar might find another caterpillar. Just as even without self reflection a person can find a potential partner. 

However, what happens when one of these caterpillars decides to find themselves and grow their wings. They may want to fly to and experience new groups, places, communities, activities and challenges. Whilst, their partner that has remained a caterpillar is now stuck, afraid of the new heights their partner is flying to. They will be left unable to join them. Leaving them in the realisation that they were not the soul mates they thought they were.

Even worse, the sight of the butterfly can provoke, envy, jealousy, fear and anger from those who have only known you as a caterpillar. They may seek to distance themselves form you or seek to cut off your new found wings and freedom.

“You have changed!”
“I liked the only you”
“I feel like I do not know you anymore”

These statements can act as provocation to leave or sadly make a person shy away from their true-self and revert back to the comfort of the being in a couple; rather being alone. 

It is quite easy to lie your way into a relationship. A person can lie to their partner about what they like. Or they can lie to themselves about what they are willing to accept, what they are looking for, how they want to live their life or the type of person they want to build their future with. 

However, often this ‘lie’ is simply founded upon people not knowing enough about themselves. People need to ask themselves:

Who am I?
What makes me happy?
What makes me sad?
How do I like to spend my time?
What future do I see for myself and how do I see myself getting there?

These are not easy questions, but, they are important questions. Only a few people will simply be swept off their feet and be able to look back at the beginning of their marriage 30 years from now and say their love survived simply because it was exactly like the Disney fairy-tale love we are sold as children.

In reality, relationships and especially marriages are partnerships. Much like going into a business partnership, both parties need to be on the same page and looking to take the partnership in the same direction. Or it will only end up in heartbreak or divorce. 

I have self reflected, but I am still single

There’s still no guarantee a person will find a partner. However, they have greatly improved their chances of finding the right partner. Even more so, they have a new found knowledge of self, that should make them more comfortable in their own company. 

Although, film, music and social media, makes it feel like to be single is to be abnormal. This is not the case. It is best to be happy and alone, then in a failing marriage or relationship. 

Being single is being free. Free to decided all of your own choices, without having to consider anyone else’s wants and needs. So, when it comes to allowing someone else to join your personal space, make sure it’s someone that is worth your time and the right person for you. In short, don’t grow your wings simply to go back to crawling with caterpillars, simply because you were afraid of flying alone. Experience life and don’t be afraid to try and do new things, even if it means being a party of one. 

This is the poem that inspired one of my followers to DM me.

Not every Isolated soul
is looking for a saviour.
To see the proof, and silent truth,
just take a look at nature.
A single solitary flower
is as beautiful alone.
A meadow full is pleasurable
but each grows on its own.
Caterpillars are companionless
as they retired to their cocoons.
No-one near beats witness
And regardless, still they bloom.
with space and time
they become their best.
With grace, redefined,
just being, they are blessed.

by Ms Moem

By Antoine Allen

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